Sex on the First Date

Today we’re going to uncover the topic of sex on the first date with its pros and cons, the role that society plays in how we perceive it, and whether or not it’s for you. 

What is Considered Sex? 

First of all, let’s define what classifies as sex. 

When you talk about penetrative sex, the first thing that usually comes to mind is penetrative sex, whether it’s vaginal or anal. 

Then there is oral sex that can also be penetrative or stimulating with the mouth, tongue, hands, and supportive accessories. 

While penetrative and oral sex are, undoubtedly, considered sex, things get a bit blurry once we move on to masturbation and foreplay. 

Should they be considered sex? 

Well, that’s up to you really! This is a common dilemma for people who practice abstinence and who don’t want to break the rules but also make sure their basic needs are met. 

Masturbating someone is a bit more intense, but milder forms of foreplay can easily be excluded from the sex category, especially if it’s only kissing and hugging that you’re doing. 

Overall, sex is not just penetration and orgasms, it’s many things that come before and after. It’s also a form of emotional and psychological intimacy just as it is physical intimacy. 

What we consider sex is ingrained in us by our personal and cultural backgrounds, but you should always have the freedom to reinvent the meaning if the common one doesn’t align with your values. 

The Pros of Having Sex on the First Date 

If you’re not sure whether sex on the first date is for you or not, the best thing to do is to compare the pros and the cons. 

Starting with the good stuff:

• Establish your sexual compatibility (or lack thereof) early on. Sexual intimacy is an important element of the romantic relationship in itself, but it is also indicative of whether or not you guys have good chemistry. 
• Save your time. If the person is not someone you’re super compatible with in the bedroom and that’s an important part of the relationship for you, then you get to quickly see if they’re good for you or not and move on. 
• Experience the thrill that comes with meeting and sleeping with someone new. That’s a pro that we’re sometimes taught not to say out loud. But isn’t it one of the most exciting things in life to meet someone new? Being spontaneous and allowing yourself to enjoy whatever it is that you want to enjoy makes it even better.
• Have your sexual needs met. For what it’s worth, regardless of how the date and the relationship turn out, you’ll at least have sex and get to satisfy your cravings and cover basic sexual needs.

The Cons of Having Sex on the First Date  

There are two sides to every coin, and sex on the first date is not an exception. 

• Waste of time. Remember how we just said that it can be a time saving to have sex with someone on the first date? Well, two things can be true at the same time! If the sex is bad, you’re only going to waste the hours spent with this person which you could have used for other things, including having sex with other people, masturbating, or sleeping.
• Uneven feelings’ development. Sex is complex, and even one time is enough for someone to start to develop feelings towards the other person. Nothing wrong with that of course, but if it’s one-sided, the situation can quickly turn dramatic. 
• Lack of clarity with intentions. When you sleep with a person, you’re no longer treating them as this random stranger you spoke with for a bit. They become someone you have at least a bit of sympathy and feelings for, and vice versa. But even without the sympathy, it becomes harder to understand if your connection is just physical or if you guys are really connecting on an emotional level as well. 
• You can be judged. We can’t help but be judged by others and have assumptions made about us purely because we got intimate with someone. The worst part, we can be judged by the very same person who slept with us. For example, they can discount us as a potential serious partner just because we had sex so early on. 
• Health hazard. Last but not least is the risk of catching STI or some other nasty thing that comes from unprotected sex but can also sometimes be transmitted even if we use protection. 

The Societal Pressure of Not Having Sex on the First Date 

We all live in a society and it means that we have to follow the rules that exist there. Not all rules are good rules though, and it’s okay to bend or break them sometimes to create progress and more freedom for everyone. 

Sexual life continues to be one of the most shamed and taboo topics. It’s often considered rude to talk about sex, and people’s sex lives and preferences are policed by those with too much time on their hands. 

The societal pressure disproportionately affects women who are often a target of misogyny and suffer from gender expectations. Men can be promiscuous without much damage to their reputation while women don’t dare indulge in their sexual desires. Men are champs for sleeping around, and women are too easy. 

Is it fair? Absolutely not. Thankfully the situation is changing over time but the progress is slow. 

Waiting to have sex is still associated with having self-respect and emotional maturity, although it’s arguably more mature to focus on what matters for you and your current priorities rather than someone else’s opinions. 

The frowning upon first-date sex is also reinforced by the media, movies, and people around us who repeat those “pearls of wisdows” they learned years and decades ago. 

Ultimately, the right time to have sex is when you and your date want to have sex. If you guys are ready and happy to take this step – there’s no better timing for sure. The key focus here should not be what the society will say but rather how much you are enjoying the process, whether or not you’re fully consenting to everything that’s going on, and if you want to continue hanging out after the intimacy. 

What are Your Dating Intentions? 

There’s nothing inherently wrong with sex on the first date. It’s fun, it’s pleasant, and if you’re both into it, then why not?

However, depending on what your dating goals are, having sex right when you meet someone can send a mixed message. 

We’re not living in the 19th century anymore, so first-date sex doesn’t exactly ruin your chances of building a serious relationship with a person by default, but they can see in a certain light and put you in a particular mental box. 

Also, regardless of what your date thinks, if you’d like to continue to date them and build a solid partnership, refraining from sex can be a good idea. 

Why?

Intimacy makes the relationship more complex. When you just met them and don’t know whether you like them or not yet, having sex right away will probably complicate things. You’ll start developing feelings for them before figuring out whether they’re a good match or not, and before you find out about their red flags and other important nuances. 

That’s why if you’re dating with the intention of building a relationship, waiting for sex might be a good idea. 

How to Make Sex on the First Date Great

Sex on the first date can be awkward because you don’t really know each other. 

Don’t let that stop you from a great sexual experience though. 

1. Skip substances. It’s tempting to use something extra to help you relax but it’s always better to be sober during sex, especially so when you’re sleeping with a stranger. That way you’ll be better prepared to communicate your wants and needs, and will also better cater to your lover. 
2. Set the right mood. Turn off obnoxiously bright lights, find a cozy spot, and play some music to help you relax. 
3. Pay attention to your comfort and feelings. Don’t just go with the flow but be an active participant in sex. Let them know if something they do is not to your liking, lean into the moves or techniques that they’re good at. 
4. Communicate openly. Now is the time to talk clearly about your expectations, boundaries, and fantasies. The other person doesn’t know you, so you need to help them satisfy you to the fullest. 
5. Take your time with foreplay. You’re not trying to catch a train/ Lean into it slowly to maximize the pleasure. 
6. Be respectful and expect the same in return. No matter what happens or under what circumstances you meet, kindness and respect should lead everything you say or do.  
7. Safe sex all the way. Don’t sleep with someone without protection. Period. It’s never worth it, especially not with strangers. Unless they show you a list of extensive STI test results that they ran earlier in the day.