What Does It Mean to be Graysexual

Graysexuality, or as it is sometimes spelled – greysexuality, is one of the topics that you may find somewhat confusing. Luckily, Flure prepared a guide with everything you need to know about being graysexual and having a graysexual partner. 

What is Graysexuality?

Graysexuality, a.k.a. greysexuality or gray-asexuality is a gray area sitting somewhere near asexuality, but leaning towards experiencing some kind of sexual attraction or desire. People who identify as graysexual will have very little interest in sex and everything that has to do with it in general, but sometimes, with a special person or under specific circumstances their sexual desire may wake up. 

Graysexuality vs Asexuality

Contrary to popular belief, graysexuality is not a fancy new term for asexuality, although the two are rather close. 

Someone who’s asexual would have zero sexual attraction most of the time, although there are rare exceptions. Graysexuals are more susceptible to sex-related feelings and emotions, although it’s pretty rare for them as well. Graysexuality is like the next step on the spectrum from asexuality toward intense sexual desires. 

Graysexuality vs Demisexuality

Demisexuality is another great term that describes someone with a very particular take on sexuality. If a person only starts to feel sexual attraction to someone once they’ve built an emotional connection and a strong bond with them, then they would be defined as demisexual. 

Those are the people who’ll never be caught having one-night stands and getting sudden arousals from hot strangers they see around them. 

Graysexuality vs Allosexuality

Allosexuality is the opposite of asexuality. Basically, allosexual people experience regular sexual desire and attraction. Graysexuals can do it too, but their levels of arousal and attraction are typically much lower and less intense than those of allosexuals. 

Key Signs of Graysexuality 

Sexuality is not static and our preferences and desires may fluctuate over time. That’s why if you were an avid sex enjoyer years back but now can hardly “get it up” and don’t care about intimacy in the bedroom, you can still be graysexual. 

Your past sex-periences don’t define your today’s mindset or place where you’re sitting on the sexuality spectrum. 

Anything that has to do with sexuality is highly subjective and unique to each individual, but there are still a number of signs that graysexuals share. 

• Not considering sex as an important part of the romantic relationship 
• Disregarding sexual aspects when choosing a partner to date 
• Rarely feeling sexual attraction and desire 
• Prioritizing non-sexual affection, such as cuddling and talking, or acts of service

Am I Graysexual?

It can be confusing and rather hard to understand whether or not you fit into the graysexuality spectrum. 

However, if you’ve read the signs above and this article in general, and you’re not exactly sure where you stand, it’s possible that you are, indeed, graysexual, but it’s worth watching yourself, your feelings and emotions, and track how you react to traditionally arousing situations. 

It’s common for people who struggle with their sexual identity to have the Aha-moment when they learn about a new term of the spectrum that fits them well. Yet, it’s not a must or a given, and it’s possible that you’ll still be on the fence even after finding out about something that seems to be totally about you.

The best thing you can do is to take your time and not rush the discovery process. It’s liberating to finally get a label on your own terms, but you’ll do more harm than good if you try to force this process. 

It’s particularly hard for graysexuals because this is such a gray area (pun intended). As a graysexual, a person can:

• Have super infrequent sexual attraction 
• Have their sexual attraction depend on a number of conditions 
• Feel desire and arousal but with little intensity compared to others 
• Have very little interest in sexual activity in general 

As you continue your self-exploration journey, watch out for the signs, and listen to yourself. Know that you will find out eventually, and you’re not on a deadline, so don’t stress about it. 

Is Graysexuality Normal? 

All aspects of sexuality are normal. You can’t say that something is wrong or right when it comes to attraction. Every experience is valid, including graysexuality. 

After all, what’s wrong with not really caring about sex? It’s not the end of the world. Graysexuals are perfectly capable of building strong romantic relationships with their partners, being caring and thoughtful, and everything a person may wish for. 

Common Misconceptions About Graysexuality and Why They’re Not True

Graysexuality is not a mainstream term, so there are not too many myths and misconceptions about it, but there are a few. 

#1 They’re not Graysexual, They Just Haven’t Met the Right Person Yet

This argument is as old as civilization itself, and it’s applied to anyone who dares to express different behavior patterns or desires than the mainstream public. Needless to say, sexuality doesn’t work like that most of the time. 

We have demisexuals who actually need to bond with a person to want them sexually. In general, though, if a person feels little to no sexual desire and if they’re only aroused a handful of times in their lives, it’s wrong to deny their experience. 

#2 It’s Just a Phase

This is both true and wrong. Sexuality, whatever it looks like, is not set in stone, so it is, indeed, possible that someone may go through a graysexuality phase and turn into full asexual eventually. 

This is rather common in societies where there are strong rules and traditions, and everyone is taught to aspire to similar things, such as finding a boyfriend or girlfriend, getting a university degree, finding a good job, getting married, having kids, etc. In those cases, many people end up living someone else’s life and it takes them a while to find their true selves.

At the same time, there are graysexuals who’ve been true to themselves from the day they were born, and nothing is going to change for them, and there’s nothing wrong with it either. 

#3 Graysexuals Don’t Enjoy Sex

That’s not true. If a graysexual person has consented to sex, they do so because they want to. Unlike asexual people, graysexuals don’t cut sex out completely. It’s just a very rare occurrence for them to seek and want intimacy with someone. 

How to Navigate a Relationship with a Graysexual Partner

Dating someone who identifies as graysexual can be challenging depending on where you stand in terms of sexual desires. 

If sex plays a crucial role for you in romance, this might become an issue and even lead to a breakup, but if you care about your graysexual partner, then it makes sense to try to work things out.

Here are a few tips to help you navigate this situation. 

• Acknowledge and respect their experience. Dismissing your graysexual partner will be cruel and wrong. 
• Talk to them openly, don’t hide any concerns, ideas, thoughts, or confusion. 
• Learn more about graysexuality through online forums, local communities, and conversations with your partner. 
• Practice patience and be supportive, even when you’re low-key frustrated. 
• Do your best to avoid pressuring or rushing your lover to make a decision or change something. 
• Talk about alternative forms of intimacy that would work for both of you. 

How to Navigate a Relationship as a Graysexual Partner

Dating people with active sexual desires and needs can be a challenge for a graysexual partner. 

If you’re confident you belong to this group, it’s best to open up to your lover as soon as possible. It’s only fair for them to know what’s going on, so they can either agree to this lifestyle with little to no intimacy or find someone who’s on the same page with them sexually. 

Sex is important for many people, and if you’re building a trusted and strong romantic relationship with someone, your stance on sex is not a thing to hide. 

If, hopefully, your partner is okay with graysexuality and wants to be with you, spend some time educating them by talking to them about your feelings in different situations and helping them understand how to approach you. Be patient with them, as this dynamic can be tricky to grasp. 

Depending on where you stand on monogamy versus polyamory, it’s possible that you open up your relationship to sexual intimacy with someone else to ensure your lover has their needs met. Alternatively, you can explore masturbation as an alternative to sex. 

Coming out as a graysexual person can be scary, but it’s a necessary step. Also, if you and your partner are meant to be, you’ll make it work. 

A few final tips for jumpstarting the conversation:

• Find the right time and place when you both won’t be distracted and have enough time to discuss everything in detail.
• Get to the point, and don’t use complex storytelling to say what you want to say. 
• Tell them a bit about what graysexuality means as a concept and what it means for your relationship.
• Assure them that you’re very much into them and want to build a romance with them, and your low-to-none sexual attraction doesn’t have anything to do with them. 
• Let them talk, ask questions, and raise concerns. 
• Be patient if they freak out at first, it’s a lot to take in. 

Lastly, you can suggest couples therapy or joining a support group depending on where your conversation leads and how much exposure your partner had to different types of sexualities before.